Luke 10: 38-42 spoke to me last night, for I was "worried and upset about many things", and said so. He reminded me that it has been so long since I last did the one thing that is, and will always be, needed.

At the Home of Martha and Mary

³⁸As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

⁴¹"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴²but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

There is just been so much to do, so much happening, that there isn't enough time to write about it, talk to people, skype with the londoners :(...p.s. I don't have your skype names val gen carmen bel aj etc! 

This morning, I was having a lousy morning with a capital L. I had to force myself to read the word, which I realise I don't feel like reading when I need it most. In the Daily Light for the day, the verse was from Psalm 42: 

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? 
       Why so disturbed within me? 
       Put your hope in God, 
       for I will yet praise him, 
       my Savior and ⁶ my God."

I identified with the psalmist so much, but didn't feel much better...then psalm 86 came to mind (I didn't know what it was), and it read, amongst other things: 

"Bring joy to your servant, 
       for to you, O Lord, 
       I lift up my soul." 

And that was my prayer for the morning :) another one of those moments where the Word hits the spot. God carries us through difficult days, yes He does. Have been learning lessons about Him that I'd love to share, but, o, work the great devourer of time :/ I will get around to it!  

30 minutes ago I was positively helter-skeltering, graghing at excel and minitab and the terrible schedule, worrying about tomorrow....then God comes along and just works everything out again. And all I can do is stand in Awe, and know why He is God :) O that He may teach me to walk in His ways! 

It's been two whole weeks since school started!  Two weeks of getting used to a new kind of lifestyle, new people, new ways of doing things... I can't say all has been fantastic and there have been some trying moments, but I thank God for His strength that has seen me through, even giving me reason to be joyful. 

For example, some days these past 2 weeks - blame it on the timetable mess-up - I didn't see a familiar face throughout the day, and even if I did, there was usually barely enough time to brush by superficially.  On days like that it's easy to get lonesome and mopey and desperate for good conversation like in the past (e.g. a13b).

On the hall front, I've been having an ongoing struggle over how much to get involved in things: feeling on the one hand that I should, that I've been placed in hall for a reason and that I should make the most of the opportunities I have to love etc.; but on the other hand I really don't know what I'm meant to do, and I (guiltily) don't feel like doing much anyhow. The night before last I spent close to two hours at the central forum in the middle of the night thinking through Hall issues, asking for guidance, but I was met mostly with silence. 

Yet amidst that God provided strength for the fortnight, as He always has/does/will. 
Last wednesday, I was faced with a lonely free afternoon (with the rest of the class lecture-less and thus at home). As I took the bus to the central I asked the Lord to use the rest of the day as He will. Said that I didn't know what to do with it, but He knew best, and that I would simply follow. Getting off the bus, who should I bump into just two minutes later but Wenny, who was meeting Val :) and so I ended up spending precious time with two precious friends :) 

Some other days the blessings come in smaller ways. Like the verse on my verse-a-day flipchart thingum that met a point of need, filled a void that I didn't know existed. Or waking up to the birds calling in the tree outside, gazing upon the sheltering branches that spread across my entire window, reminding me that God is like that tree - my shelter, my resting place :) Today it was meeting Audrey (even if just for awhile) and bumping into Daryl whilst I was at it. Sitting with Grace and Kelly in lecture (oh how I treasure company in lectures now!) and laughing in the same old way at something not even vaguely funny :)  

The night I sat at the central forum I was reminded of this when I asked for wisdom and good discernment

 "²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. ⁶But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;⁸he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." (James 1:2-5)

and was given assurance - above all understanding - that Yes, He will make the way clear to me in due course. 

In the Bible God is often portrayed as a lover, The Lover - always in passionate pursuit of us, loving us in a way that humans, in our imperfection, never can. So my thanksgiving this week is that in all its happenings I was reminded of the Father's love for me: each blessing a love note from above, to say that I'm still on His mind, and His eye sees even me. And NOT JUST ME! but everybody who calls Him Father :) 

That aside, yay weekend :) Looking forward to meeting the class for the last time before everybody flies off to different corners of the world (hm actually come to think of it it is just one corner)! And on a final side note, I realise that my tenses here are all mixed up because I couldn't/can't decide whether to use present tense or past tense. Oh well, whatever. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
      my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
   He is my shield, the power that saves me,
      and my place of safety.

He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
He drew me out of deep waters ...

He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because He delights in me

Psalm 18: 2,16,19

Taste and see that the LORD is good.
Oh, the joys of those who trust in Him!

Psalm 34:8 

Joy = knowing that God is in control, even if we're not all jumpy-happy. 
I think I need Greater Emotional Resilience for the new sem but I've decided that I must live in the joy of the Lord! 

:D 

All the best to everyone starting school tomorrow, may you have a great sem, make good friends, and find joy in all you do :)

I've been realising that it is difficult to lj about my walk with Christ - as though the emotions I experience in the virtual world are mutually exclusive with those I chronicle in ink, on paper. Maybe then it is good that a day after tomorrow I will be stepping into the unknown...away from trappings like the internet, learning to trust solely in my Father. Perhaps the silence on this page will be beneficial; grappling with things alone is good for the soul. 

Words, sometimes they are futile aren't they? The sheer multitude of words spoken daily sometimes makes writing, speaking, altogether meaningless. 

--

Lately I've been noticing how often I sing:

"I believe You're my portion, I believe you're more than enough for me, Jesus You're all I need."
"...You're my all, You're the best..."

Yet when it comes down to it , when asked to surrender just One thing to Him, I struggle: knowing that He is all I need, but certainly not always feeling that way. 

Oh LORD
Keep me ever close to You
And Only You.  

I was given a lesson in faith today. Upon being shown my new room and meeting my neighbour, I realised that I couldn't have chosen a better room, a better block, or a better neighbour, even if I had tried. Every detail, down to the tiniest thing, is close to perfect. OK Maybe there is still the camp and the crudeness, but if He can arrange all these intricacies, can I not trust Him to be all-Sufficient in all other things?

Oh yes since tomorrow is SAC I am reminded of what I read the very day I received the offer letter:

"When a man makes a vow to the LORD or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said." -Numbers 30:2

Out of context, maybe, but fitting all the same :) 
 

to be frank i am petrified!!!  I heard the food is good and the facilities seem okay, but dirty cheers, crying out of love for the hall, seriously sleazy pole dancing, laughing at crude jokes, out of whack hours and too much emphasis on a dubiously-termed "traffic light status"?? ARGH HELP I AM NOT READY FOR THIS! And i'm shifting in my barang tomorrow, and vacuuming my bed and cleaning the floor...in other words by midday I'll be all but moved in. And in all truth, that's how I'd rather stay - all but moved in :( 

My only consolation is that I bought a pot for my room to put flowers in, I think I'll change the arrangement to suit the seasons :D
but apart from that, I really pray I'll find strength for 14 (I know, Fourteen? what can you possibly do for that long?) days of camp starting monday..

Grace and I are matriculating tomorrow too which means that we'll be official uni students in a couple of hours time, which also means School Starts Soon! Sooner than I expected it would, and sooner than most other people start school e.g. gen, val, others flying away, etc. Would like to go into detail regarding my feelings on this topic, but first I need to look for another bottle of shampoo, shoes for wet activities, and "a set of clothes that you can get dirty in (can be thrown away)". 

(On a side note, I bought a new alarm clock yesterday, my old one didn't alarm me enough :D This new one is superb..I woke up in under One second yippy! It's electric so you connect it to the power socket. Since the power socket isn't located next to my bedside, I have to fall out of bed to turn it off (it's Really Loud) and so I wake up in the process.)
 

I have been trying to figure out CORS online for the past 1-2 hours. It's the most crazy system to understand precisely, without actually trying the process hands on :( grr. 

Tuesday to Friday were spent with HCA hospice care doing house visits with the nurses to palliative patients..a most eye-opening time. I really really learnt so much from it - I think the rest of our group did too. As expected, there was a lot of pain and darkness when I followed the nurse around for visits. A lot of people lost, despairing ("Nurse, give me an injection and let me die"), hurting, confused, literally decayed, organs hanging out etc. There was much spiritual emptiness, too :( A lot of the time I felt helpless - unable to do much for any of them. 

The fact that when my overseas-uni-going group mates return, most of the people we met would have passed on was a sad thought. But amidst that there was a glimmer of light found in my favourite old lady :) whom I got to talk to for a long while because the nurse was on the phone. We were talking about her condition and she said, with her face radiant,  that she "zhi dao wo de zhu ye su hui zhao gu wo" (knows that her Lord Jesus will protect her). The peace in her eyes and her home stood in stark contrast to the 9 other homes we visited. No, there is no fear in dying in Jesus.

The more I reflect on this the more I find that it is true. I used to be afraid of getting into (my biggest worry!) an aeroplane crash or some tragic accident of that sort, until I understood this verse: 

                 "...All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:16)

All our days are already set. Going on an aeroplane is not going to "tempt fate" to give you an earlier death; you're not going to be "risking it" if you decide to go to a war-torn place for missions - simply because God is already in control of our days. I find that knowledge liberating.

"Christianity has unrealistic standards", a friend said to me today. I've been thinking about that for a long while, esp of late, due in part to pdc, and in part to my standing on the threshold of university.

Some of these verses were blessings to me over the past week or so because they reminded me of the crooked stick I was, beside the straight edge of the Word. No doubt I am still weak and tempted etc, but these helped (and hopefully, will continue to help) to keep me in check. Hope they may be of help to you :)



LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; 
       you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; 
       surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Psalm 16:5-6

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
2 Timothy 2:22

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.
James 4:17

Sometimes the sacrifices are painful.
"...Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."
Nehemiah 8:10

To the world it is foolishness, yet
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..."
Romans 12:2

Foolish, maybe. Difficult, definitely. But impossible?
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
1 Corinthians 10:13 

Help us Lord, that we may "become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which (we) shine like stars in the universe as (we) hold out the word of life."
Philippians 2:15

called for a relook at whether my past entries are going to be of any consequence, encouragement or benefit to anybody who has not already read them. I decided No (not for the majority of the posts anyway) and thus f-locked liberally :)   

Just returned from a Youth Camp held by my church's Youth Ministry yesterday and what happened is a testimony that must be shared!
I've been searching for answers lately to prove that Christianity is not a lie (it isn't), but the outpour of God's spirit on Sunday made me know beyond a doubt that we serve a real Lord. 

We had many provisions over the course of the camp - God really arranged so much for us - and on the last day, we had a testimony session. After that, there was a short time of worship to wrap up the camp. Usually during past worship sessions a lot of us were less than focused on worshipping God. This time, there were just two short songs and I guess, I wasn't expecting much - the camp was ending, after all.
But halfway through the singing, the 2 youth beside me just started (almost simultaneously) to burst into tears..real sobbing, not just quiet crying. And before I knew it (literally so!), almost all the youth were on their knees, crying and convicted, rededicating their lives to Jesus. What could have caused such large-scale weeping? Nothing, I know, but the Spirit of the Living God. There was nothing in the atmosphere to make it extra conducive to any emotional experience. Nothing in the worship leading to set this apart from any other worship session we've had. Nothing in the youth or the youth ministry to make us particularly holy or "worthy" -if it is possible to be worthy- to experience God's presence. Some of the youth had never seemed profoundly interested in God! But God heard the cries of all who prayed for the camp, and He came. We are sure of it. 

I didn't have a weeping encounter in the Spirit, and my personal plea to God to "let your Holy Spirit be manifested in me through an outward sign" was not answered on Sunday. But God has his best plan, and I felt Him reassure me through the speaker sessions and a quiet inner confidence that the outward signs are great - but they are not all that matter. On reflection, Encounter 2009:

-showed me that I belong to a Powerful, yet Protecting Father; whose glory is declared by the heavens yet who cares deeply for me, his creation
-helped to nudge me to know more about the spiritual gifts he's given me for his service
-helped me deal with fears I harbour/harboured
-has given me new wind, new love and new fire for serving Jesus in YM, especially at a time when I was pondering upon my purpose/usefulness in the ministry. 

And I just want to praise God, you know? For challenging my own human knowledge. I was discouraged about the state of the youth ministry, thinking it 'dead'. But God showed me that He is still working, still very very much alive. He is indeed the One True God. I have no other way to shout the good news than through this measly entry, so here it is :) 

Friends, if you ever remember this post and are willing to pray, please pray for 
-the youth in our youth ministry, that God will continue this good work, and fan the flames that already burn among us
-me, that I will have an increased love for these youth and an even deeper love relationship with our Saviour
-the youth leaders to have wisdom and discernment to seek and find his will for the ym. 
thank you :)

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned 
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand 
My soul Lord to You surrendered 
All I am is Yours

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus."

My friend just sent me this, so at this time when we're all busy thinking about our futures and our unfinishable work and HOW ON EARTH TO SURVIVE THE NEXT 3 MONTHS EXACTLY, just want to share this with you all, to encourage you to keep on praying, keep on trusting the God who hears and cares :)

"Thinking is not praying

There's a big difference between just thinking something and praying it to God. Prayer has a direction. You're not churning it in your brain or sharing it with friends or talking it over with a psychologist or getting in touch with your inner self. Prayer is directed to God -- acknowledging not only God's existence, but also a relationship and even a certain degree of trust. Prayer's not a waste of time because God is hard at work in this confused, ambiguous world, to draw it toward God's good purposes. Prayer is your response to God's work. If there's noone there, if there's no way to relate or even communicate, or if a wrathful god would strike you down just for trying, why would anyone pray? There's an unspoken hope in each prayer, even if it hangs by a thread or is the size of a mustard seed, that somehow the mightiest being of all thinks you matter. God's response also has a direction : you will not be left adrift or be led nowhere (unless, like Israel in the Sinai, you have a lesson to learn from the drifting).

God does have great plans for your life!
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declared the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).
 
Love,
Celestine"

All that I am is in You
All that I seek is to follow You
I run to Your side when You call
There is the hope I am longing for

Just to be by your side
There is hope in my life
There is no greater freedom I’ve found

Take my life
And all that I have to give
Take my world
Just inhabit all of it
Take my dreams
Make me assuredly Yours

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."  -Isaiah 53:5

Thank you God for hope in life, hope in death, and true Love. 

---

Long ago He blessed the earth
Born older than the years
And in the stall a cross He saw
Through the first of many tears
A life of homeless wandering
Cast out in sorrow's way
The Shepherd seeking for the lost
His life, the price He paid

Love crucified, arose
The Risen One in splendor
Jehovah soul Defender
Has won the victory
Love crucified, arose
And the grave became a place of hope
For the heart that sin and sorrow broke
Is beating once again

Throughout Your life You felt the weight
Of what You'd come to give
To drink for us that crimson cup
So we might really live
At last the time to love and die
The dark appointed day
That one forsaken moment
When Your Father turned His face away

Love crucified, arose
The One who lived and died for me
Was Satan's nail-pierced casualty
Now He's breathing once again
Love crucified, arose
And the grave became a place of hope
For the heart that sin and sorrow broke
Is beating once again